Anorexia and Body Dysmorphia – (read: I think I look like a man but I don’t want to so I’m going to diet myself “dainty”).

This is my first attempt at blogging.  Please forgive the rudimentary look of my site.  I am doing this at the behest of my psychologist and to see if there’s anyone out there who feels the same as I do.

I am a female, was born female (although I sometimes think perhaps I was born a hermaphrodite and my parents had me “changed” to female) but this is getting a little too far ahead.  At present, to the best of my knowledge and according to my birth certificate, I am a girl…now grown up.  I have a young adult son and live with my boyfriend of 12 years.  I am a girly girl.  I love all things sparkly, ruffles and lace.  I am a self-proclaimed “fashionista”.  I love LOVE vintage clothing and 1960’s – 1970’s clothing and décor.  I have two walk-in closets filled with clothing that I just can’t part with (even though some of it needs to go).  I spend most of my days consuming online couture and ready-to-wear fashion sites and stores.  I have spent a near fortune on clothing, shoes, accessories…you name it.  All in the desperate attempt to appear more feminine in “my” mind.

Let me preface this by saying that supposedly I don’t look extremely masculine.  In fact, I have had therapists laugh in my face and tell me they could take me to a shopping mall and not one person would accuse me of being a man in drag (tranny) or even question my gender.  Good!  That is my goal!  This is because I am extremely thin! In my mind, the thinner I am, the more feminine I appear.  I never EVER want someone to come up to ask me if I am a girl or boy or if I am a tranny.  This has happened a couple times in my life…I can count these occurrences  on one hand.  They happened when I was at a more normal weight and when it did happen, my whole world fell apart and suffice to say I was suicidal.  Depression, which had been there all my life, increased exponentially and took me down like I had been shot in the head.  I never want that to happen again.  I was lost, I hated myself to the point I was afraid to look in mirrors or at my reflection in a window.  I was devastated beyond what my frail ego could withstand and I cannot ever go back to this point of self-hatred or I will die.  This puts me at the mercy of other people.  I cannot control what other people think I look like, but I can control my appearance through my weight and me being seen as a woman is the only thing that keeps me alive.

So, you see the conundrum?  I must remain thin and small to remain alive.  Anorexia is my lifeboat.  I currently teeter on the edge of underweight to “anorexia” underweight.  This keeps me alive, but only barely.  I have moderate to severe hypotension (low blood pressure), am losing some of my hair and am constantly dehydrated.  If I push the weight loss too hard, I pass out, get circles under my eyes, my veins are pronounced on my limbs and more hair starts to fall out.  One would think that these side effects would be a deterrent to appearing feminine, and to a certain extent I agree, but still much less masculine than when my weight falls into the normal (even low-normal) range.  I am married to my anorexia.  I can barely live with it – but without it I am dead…by suicide.  This is my life.